As a man who lives in America, I walk around with many kinds of personas. A persona is a "social role" that has the potential to be a great safety mechanism to a person at times (usually during childhood), however eventually this "mask" seems to become burdensome. It wasn't until my recent involvement into an organization known as the ManKind Project that I realized the depth and toxicity of the layers of persona that were suffocating my true Self expression, and therefore distracting me from becoming the most potent and compassionate version of me possible. I can say for myself that as a man amongst men, at times I fear interaction with other men...all one needs to do is take one look at the paper for today and see the violence that is surrounding our society. I do think that society is on the rise personally as far as awareness, however there still is suffering...as Don Miguel Ruiz says, "We are living a dream of hell." What did I fear?
What was it that I was hiding from with a "mask"?
What was I afraid of?????????!
Since continuing on my path to understand and practice emotional intelligence, I realized the key reason why I pretended to be "OK" with certain situations I was in or ways that others would interact with me was a fear of rejection; I feared pain, verbal abuse, perhaps physical violence, etc. Nowadays I question if I am scared to "feel" the pain or if it is merely the part of me that once experienced that pain from a situation that happened, for instance the memory, that the body feel threatened by.
Dr. Len, a Hawaiian psychologist gives a series of lectures on Ho'oponopono-an ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness. In this series he states, "the most important relationship in the universe is the relationship between the Mother and the Child-the conscious mind and the subconscious. My point from all of this is that we all have emotions, and we all have needs and wants. I think it is crucial to own these feelings and wants and make them known to others.
About two years ago before I left for Maui, I discovered a man by the name of Marshall Rosenberg. His approach is very gentle and to the point and REAL. He has been a pioneer in this FORMULA, I like to call it, for compassionate communication. The formula is quite simple:
Data + Feelings + Need/Want + Request =
NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
Sounds simple enough, eh? Let's put this to use with an example...
Let's say your partner comes home late from work unhappy. She is slamming things around, perhaps the cabinet doors or kicking the chairs. It is important to discern in this moment that the DATA is NOT her "unhappiness"...we NEVER know someone is unhappy unless we ask them or they tell us. Of course we are intuitive beings and we can feel things, however to me I feel most empowered when I do not assume and I am aware of my judgments. In this scenario, the DATA is that your partner is kicking chairs, slamming things around, perhaps expressing emotion. I want for you to imagine this right now as you read...go ahead take a moment to close your eyes and sink into that scenario. If this doesn't fit your partner, fine! Pick someone for whom it does, I have a hunch we have all encountered this kind of a situation before. While you are imagining this scenario happening, what is the feeling that person who is "you" in that moment is feeling? For me when I imagine this scenario I feel fear, pure fear. OK, so right now we have the Data (facts, NOT JUDGMENTS), and the Feelings. In this moment, you will most likely have a feeling inside of some sort...for me that feeling is fear, what's yours?
*CORE EMOTIONS-MAD, GLAD, SAD, FEAR, SHAME*
MAD-I WANT IT AND I CAN'T HAVE IT!
GLAD-I'VE GOT IT!!!
SAD-I'VE LOST IT!
FEAR-I WILL OR HAVE LOST IT, I WILL OR HAVE BEEN HURT (ALWAYS FROM PAST OR FUTURE NOT PRESENT)
SHAME-I AM BAD, I AM A MISTAKE
Once you have identified the core emotion sit with it and ask yourself what you are needing. Let's go with the emotion of fear for now-what would help you to feel not so afraid in this moment? Is it to have a knowing that you are safe? Is it space from your partner? Identify your need or want in this scenario and write it down, either in your mind or on paper.
For me, A NEED is something that I absolutely must have to survive (physically, emotionally, spiritually, intelectually-this can be tricky because some people may say "Oh, I NEED drugs to survive emotionally"). I have found that things that I used to "NEED" have fallen away and I no longer need them.
On the other hand, to me A WANT is merely a preference. For example, "I would like for you to come with me on a bike ride" is A WANT, A PREFERENCE. In a book I recently finished entitled Celebrate Your Life by Dorothy Corkille-Briggs she talks about the trouble in most relationships because of the high demand one partner will at times put on the other-the demand that the other meets their every need. THIS IS NOT REALISTIC AND USUALLY IS HARMFUL TO RELATIONSHIPS according to her. Instead, she recommends to pick out a handful of CORE NEEDS in a relationship and to honor that one's partner will have their differences and preferences that will not match up with yours at times. THIS IS HUMAN AND NATURAL. OK back to the scenario.
So let's replay the scenario, your partner or friend or dad or mom or co-worker or WHOEVER comes home or to work or to a meeting or to a public space and starts throwing what we could judge to be a "tantrum". For the purpose of this example we have identified "fear" as the core feeling. NOW you are trying to figure out what it is that you "NEED OR WANT." So, what is it? Let's say that you are not OK with all of the throwing of things and perhaps any yelling that may occur or any expression of anger that may seem to be dumped on you...so you decide you need space. At this point, we have identified-DATA + FEELING + NEED/WANT...we are still missing one thing in order to execute the Non-violent communication. That is OUR REQUEST. This is the place of empowerment-for me when I get to this point in the communication I feel the emotion of fear at times as I realize I am taking a risk to ask for what I want or need realizing I may or may not get it. So...what is our request?
How if we decide to stay in the room and try to "talk and work this out" with whomever it is. From here, the request could be a multitude of things-I would like for you to stop kicking chairs, I would like for you to stop slamming things on the table, I have a request for you to lower the tone of your voice for now, I have a request for you to sit down with me and catch your breath...these are all REQUESTS. The purpose is to honor our need and want while staying open to the possibility that our partner or whomever is receiving the communication will not want to cooperate. I always prepare myself for someone to go the opposite way of what my request is so I don't form an expectation and feel worse afterwards. At times this is inevitable.
So.....let's pick a request: "I would like for you to stop kicking chairs and sit down with me so you can catch your breath."
NOW we are ready to construct our Non-violent communication.
DATA: The person has come into your proximity. They are slamming cabinet doors, kicking chairs, expressing emotion, moving around in your proximity.
FEELING(S): I feel fear.
NEED/WANT: I need to feel safe, I need to be treated with love, I would like resolution between us both.
REQUEST: I would like for you to stop kicking chairs and sit down with me so you can catch your breath.
This is great! So we have successfully setup our Non-violent communication. Let's see how this looks:
THE FIRST THING I DO WHEN COMMUNICATING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS "TRIGGERED" IS TO GET THEIR ATTENTION BY ASKING PERMISSION. Once again, they may or may not want to discuss anything in this moment, and what works very well when someone seems to be in a deep emotional state is to ASK PERMISSION. For those of you who may be thinking, "I don't need to ask for permission, I would be controlled or weak if I did that!" think to yourselves how it would be to receive someone's input when you were upset and didn't want to hear it. Chances are, it would escalate the situation and make things worse. Or it could have the opposite effect, which is that you would shut down because you felt "pressured." Ok, let's look at this now,
"Donna, do you have a moment for me to share something with you?"
Give him or her space to respond. If they say "No" immediately, say,
"Ok, if not right now what would be a good time?" At this point they may say, "Never!" or they may say, "I don't know! Can't you see I'm upset?!"
Let's say they are receptive and say, "What!!!?" and put their hands on their hips and stare at you with big eyes...NOW it's time to use the NVC.
"Ok, Donna. WHEN you came home and were kicking the chairs and slamming cabinet doors, I felt very afraid. I still feel fear inside (to deepen the emotional intelligence identify WHERE in body you are feeling it and tap your hand there as you express your emotion) because I am needing to feel safe, and to be treated with love, as well as wanting resolution. Are you willing to stop kicking the chairs and sit down and catch your breath with me here for a moment so you can talk to me about what's going on with you?"
THERE IT IS...NVC delivered. This can be used for anything although I usually omit the feeling portion of the formula for business interactions. It helps to simply identify facts, and gain clarity on what is wanted or needed and ASK for it.
To enhance the formula I will frame it this way:
WHEN YOU DID __________________, I FELT _____________ BECAUSE I AM NEEDING/WANTING ___________________. WILL YOU/I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO/I ASK FOR YOU TO/I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU/I REQUEST THAT YOU________________.
In my experience, unless your partner or whomever this person that we used in the example above has been or is studying NVC for themselves, they may need time to cool off before you can make your request. I call this building bridges...I don't always get what I want however I honor where the person is at and we have potential to grow together in fruitful relationship or friendship or business partnership through practicing NVC.
The approach that I used was very very compassionate, however sometimes a more warrior approach can be needed especially if you happen to feel "stepped on" or "treated like a whipping post." In this case, I may end up walking away from the person or completely severing the relationship if a recurring pattern of what I would judge to be "abuse" happens. I think the human psyche can only handle so much abuse, and I also think we as humans are already trying to purify and heal from the past wounding we still seem to carry around. Sometimes NVC works (is received) and sometimes it is NOT. Once again I find it important to understand and accept this as a possibility.
Marshall Rosenberg is a great resource for this skill and form of communication. I recommend checking out his books, audio tapes, and youtube videos! I won't speak for women, however I will say that men have an incredible resource at their fingertips to learn and actualize what I call "warrior" communication as well as NVC through the ManKindProject.
I hope you all find this of value, and please feel free to share or comment with your experiences/thoughts/concerns/questions!
PEACE
~GranCore~
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